Funny quotes

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.

I can resist everything except temptation.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

When you sit with a nice girl for two hours you think it's only a minute, but when you sit on a hot stove for a minute you think it's two hours. That's relativity.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

The report of my death was an exaggeration.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Behold the rain which descends from heaven upon our vineyards; there it enters the roots of the vines, to be changed into wine; a constant proof that God loves us, and loves to see us happy.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals; I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm not a member of any organized political party. I'm a Democrat.

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Education is that which remains, if one has forgotten everything he learned in school.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I am so smart! S-M-R-T! I mean S-M-A-R-T!

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.